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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Gerns' LiveJournal:

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Saturday, August 22nd, 2009
10:02 pm
if anyone happens to be heading out to arizona in the near future come visit me! i'm living in fort defiance, a small city up in northwestern arizona.
Sunday, November 25th, 2007
2:06 am
Darkness falls on daily motions
Motions become meaningless
Meaning collapses into meaninglessness so that
Meaninglessness alone has meaning
The attempt to attain meaning becomes a re-occurring chore
Chores lose their import
Import loses itself
My self grows impatient for the day on which I forget
Forget about meaninglessness
I grow impatient for the day on which meaninglessness no longer has meaning
I wait for the day on which meaning is altogether forgotten, thus reinstating itself
My self gaining import
On account of having forgotten to remember meaning
Remembering brings the meaninglessness once again,
Only to be forgotten again and trumped by meaning
Meaning, the forgetting of meaninglessness
Meaninglessness, in turn, arising from the remembering of meaning
Friday, January 12th, 2007
8:37 am
Wednesday, January 10th, 2007
9:28 pm
..and it happens to me as it has happened many times before. a million biases operate on the judgement; a million biases are manipulated. a million separate occurrences in history scream at those around not to let history repeat itself. those around me act as if i suffer no injustice because they assume that i do not suffer; that i have not suffered. in their eyes i cannot be a victim. i am a man. white. strong. invulnerable. my heart is like stone. no pain. i am expected to fend for myself. injustices against me go unnoticed, un-cared-for, unpunished, ignored. why should we care of an injustice that causes no suffering? he can handle it. don't worry about him. the actions of others are null and void, reaping no effect. there is no point in being concerned with that which does not suffer.

and the 'victim' is in turn 'victimized'. no voice. no power. pitied. everyone can speak for the 'victim' but the 'victim' itself. the 'victim' doesn't know what is right for the 'victim'. the 'victim' can't make the right decision.

and it happens to me as it has happened many times before.

it isn't any individual who leaves me for the dogs and kicks me as they tear my flesh, but rather an entire gang of procedures and expectations being overseen by a slew of people connected to me by various positions and relations. the entire background and structure of my existence squeezes in against me.

it is one thing that i am scrutinized by the powers which are meant to review my actions. it is another thing when those powers seem to care little for my welfare and make it clear that in their opinion, i am not merely the only one to be scrutinized, but that i am also the only one who has actually done any wrong. the lack of institutionalized scrutiny of other people heightens my feelings of loneliness on the planet as the only person who can do wrong and against whom no wrong can be done. of all people involved, i alone am singled out as the antagonist. it will happen again, i'm sure. i'll nurse my wounds and try not to notice that the bandages which are passed out liberally to all others are withheld from me.
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
7:12 pm
im currently undergoing a neurochemical treatment for depression by way of the naturally occuring chemicals found in cocoa.

Current Mood: chipper
Sunday, November 26th, 2006
12:59 am
There was a Time when Time was.
Shrinking to a point
Nodes of occurrence
Without lapse
Without phrase
A melody becomes unconnected tones
No landmarks
No standpoints
Sick holism
All becomes one
The night
When all cows are black
And it continues without continuation

Decisions no longer impending
The ultimate Commitments
of Life
in the face of Death
Unanchored and tending
To the broad surface -
A plane of sameness

Time dies
And with it
the Will
Vanishing Impetus
Vanishing Hope
Vanishing Death
A Vanishing
What else has vanished?
For there is no Time
In which
The things,
which Inhere in its Essence,
May Inhere

A depth to the breadth
A fourth dimension
To unify the sequences of the remaining Three
No longer
Friday, August 25th, 2006
10:05 pm
deutschland wieder
I have no idea i still have a LJ. the only time i write anything in it is when I leave for a long time. well im in germany again, and this time until feb. 2007. write me an email or something.
Friday, November 25th, 2005
11:08 pm
I just thought I'd post my ass on everyone's friends page. Happy Thanksgiving, and no need to thank me for the Christmas hams.
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
11:30 pm
goodbye cruel woyld
Hey, I dunno if anybody still does this LJ thing, but in case anybody does, consider this my goodbye letter. I'm leaving the country and never coming back. Actually im just leaving for 3 months.. but really, im not coming back. I'll be in germany. If anyone is going to be in germany in the summer and feels like seeing me (in Rheinland-Pfalz), then email me at pollonious@gmail.com
Friday, May 6th, 2005
11:43 pm
There is nothing more disturbing than walking down the street, and seeing the usual sights, after having read Locke, Descartes, or Berkeley. Their relativity arguments give the individual a profound sense of disjunction with the world. I hold that their relativity arguments are false and childish. Here is why:

The most convincing relativity argument runs thusly: There are two people (P1 and P2). There are 3 Buckets of water. Bucket Wh is full of hot water, bucket Wr is full of room temperature water, and bucket Wc is full of cold water. P1 sticks his hand in Wh, and person P2 sticks his hand in Wc. Then they both stick their hands in Wr. P1 then experiences what we call "cold" and P2 then experiences what we call "hot". If you dont buy this, try the experiment yourself. It works. However, I wish to contend the conclusions drawn by Locke and Berkeley from this experiment. They conclude that because person P1 and P2 have different sensations as a result of sticking their hand in Wr, that there is nothing at all (this is important, they want to say there there is nothing at all that resembles our sensation in the water) like our sensation of hot or cold actually in the water. As it would be contradictory to state that Wr is both hot and cold at the same time, this seems like a good conclusion, and it is widely accepted by many scientists (usually in some form or another as a distinction between primary and secondary qualities).

Here is my problem with these sorts of arguments. Let us create a set of relations between the buckets of water, so that > denotes the relation 'hotter than' (it is not necessary to make a complete list to show my point). The relations would look like this: {Wh>Wr, Wr>Wc, Wh>Wc). Now, I must pose an interpretive question: What exactly does P1 mean by "cold" and what does P2 mean by "hot". It seems that they mean two things. I wish to say that first, they are experiencing a sensation of hot or cold, but second, this sensation represents a real relation between the buckets of water, in that the exclamation of P1 of "cold" also means Wh>Wr, and the exclamation of P2 of "hot" also means Wr>Wc. Thus, the sensations of P1 and P2 do actually resemble the water, in that they correctly represent the verifiable relations between the buckets. I think that the counter factual of a creature with an inverted sensory apparatus could pose a problem to this objection, so if anyone can make a good case for it, please do so and I will see if I can reply.
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
5:10 pm
am i a killer or have i salvaged a piece of reality?
the remains of my first victim lays in two portions . . . the meat in the freezer and the hide in a bucket full of water. I must find myself a black one. i hear their flesh is tasty. if i can kill a cute little squirrel, make an incision from its anus up its belly through the rib cage and up the neck, rip out its innards, and tear the skin from its flesh, sever its feet and head and still be hungry for meat, then either i am a sick bastard, or there is nothing wrong with killing for food. vegetarians who have never killed bother me. they have no knowledge of what it is like to kill. they do not know what feelings and thoughts are involved.

i find myself closer and with more respect for nature and the animals that run around in it after having killed, because i know what they fear and why they run. i have partaken in a bit of their lives, lived a bit of their reality. i have been pissed on and shrieked at by a squirrel that is about to die. i know what it is like to rip through a living thing and what it is like to eat it. folks who will eat the meat of an animal once it is on the dinner table looking all nice and pretty, but wont go through the process of getting the meat because they think it is icky and gross bug the hell out of me. i have undone a contradiction in myself today. i killed, i prepared, and i ate. it is so basic that i can't believe i have never done this before. I am going to make a hat from the skins of my prey and wear it. Hhaha there's some fine custom designer clothing for you. skrew cow leather it's all about the squirrel pelts.
Monday, March 29th, 2004
2:10 am
someone hire me. ill do anything. ANYTHING!
Friday, March 12th, 2004
4:45 pm
love to no one in particular
I have died this day of a broken heart. How many times will you bring this rocky end upon me with your torturous song of Sirens?! Two days of misery have you broght to bear against my tender chest which I have laid open for your love to penetrate. Restore my hair and restore my strength oh my most sensuous of Delilahs, and grieve me no more.
Monday, March 8th, 2004
9:18 pm
"The time has come for us not to build upon our strengths, but to work on our weaknesses."
Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
12:01 am
uhm peacefrawgg hi what are you doing?
Thursday, February 5th, 2004
11:53 pm
so here we are. lets do something.
Sunday, February 1st, 2004
11:50 pm
clear channel IS my enemy
Your Superhero Persona by couplandesque
Your Name
Superhero NameCaffeine Boy
Super PowerSevere Mood Swings
EnemyClear Channel
Mode Of TransportationGiant Hamster Named Skippy
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!
Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
6:11 pm
there are many a creature who resemble my beloved
for the likeness of her shadow is cast in all things
as salt fills the water of seas
as gentle winds make dance autumn leaves
so does her gentle gust rustle the heavens
and the universality of all things

to heed one's own inner voice is not to create a subjective world, but to become more attuned to the universality residing within one's own spirit. residing within each human subject is this universality which comes into being simply because as observers of things outside of our own being we live apud mundus which is latin for in the presence of world. we are privy to the workings (not to be confused with, but including mechanisms) of world, and act as nodes of receptivity. it is our receptivity to world that allows us to mimmic and attune to the flow of world. spirit is world encapsulated in understanding and consciousness. a rock does not have spirit because it is not conscious of world. it is a part of world, but not conscious of its partnership. we are human because we can attune ourselves to world, or nature, tendency and history. our will can be transient and can be focused above mere personal use and value which define the limits of animal will, and raise our will to meet and comprehend the force of world, the sometimes caressing and sometimes brutal push of world, and the natural direction and flow of all spirit wich encapsulates truth. truth encapsulated not to be harnessed, but to be set free. when one realizes the root of pain, it can be aleviated. when one realizes the root of truth and encapsulates its meaning in one's own being, it can be brought alive to reside in world freely in the form of spirit or consciousness. we are the species apud mundus, and we wield great power and responsibility, for we will either warp and destroy world, or preserve it as it presents itself to us, in all of its beauty and truth.

Hermann Hesse:
"We always define the limits of our personality too narrowly. In general, we count as part of our perosnality only that which we can recognize as being an individual trait or as diverging from the norm. But we consist of, each of us, and just as our body contains the geneological table of evolution as far back as the fish adn even much further, so we bear everything in our soul that once was alive in the soul of men."
-Pistorious from Demian
"We'll talk more about it some other time," he said forbearingly. "I can see that your thoughts are deeper than you youself are able to express. But since this is so, you know, don't you, that you've never lived what you are thinking and that isn't good."
-Demian from Demian
12:09 am
slapping up amanda's sister
if someone doesnt do it soon then i am going to assume parental authority and execute my right to disciplinary spankings on that bitch which means i will slap her face because she is an ass face.
Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
10:12 pm
92% on my California Real Estate Principles final exam. 4 more weeks and im on my way to the big time, baby.
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